


You Don't Have to Die

by Nocticola



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Canon compliant death wish, Episode: s04e09 William, F/M, intense hand holding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-10-31 16:47:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10903431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: Audrey and Nathan both try to regroup after everything they've been through. (Post-4x9 William)Now with an epilogue at Garland's cabin.





	1. Audrey PoV

**Author's Note:**

> Semi Work in Progress. Might continue this chapter later, but I will definitely write at least a Nathan PoV chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nathan: Parker. It's OK. [Audrey gasps] What happened? Where's William? [Audrey hugs Nathan] Hey. It's OK.

Audrey holds on to Nathan for dear life. For dear identity? She doesn’t know anymore. Whatever William did to her, it has really thrown her. She has a bad feeling about what William was talking about, what he might refer to. She shakes her head and buries herself more into Nathan. He’s her lighthouse, and she desperately needs his guidance. But she can’t talk about this yet.  
“Take me home,” she whispers into his neck.  
“Of course.”  


He helps her up from the field and doesn’t let go of her hand as they walk to the Bronco. She wouldn’t let him, anyway. She desperately needs the solidness of Nathan’s warm hand in hers, touch that doesn’t create electric sparks but makes her feel connected, and herself. When the reach the Bronco, she feels reluctant to release Nathan’s hand, for even a moment. Nathan seems to understand that and holds his other hand on her cheek, whispering “I’m right here” and not letting go of her hand until she’s sitting in the Bronco.  


When Nathan’s also in the car, she feels a bit calmer, more collected. She still reaches for Nathan’s hand briefly squeezes it before letting go.  
“You gonna be OK?”  
“Yeah. I know you need both hands to drive. I’ll be OK. Just get me home quickly.”  


Nathan smiles quickly before starting the Bronco, and Audrey slumps in her seat. It’s been such a long, confusing day. So much has happened, and she’s not even sure where to start dealing with it all.  


She looks at Nathan and thinks about how only hours before she was holding a gun to his heart. She doesn’t even know how to start dealing with that. Thank God that issues is over, but she can’t ignore it. They still haven’t talked about everything he went through while she was in the dying Barn. She has no idea how Nathan lived with the consequences of his actions, or how he’ll begin to deal with the fact that he can’t fix things through the sacrifice of his life. He can’t die to end the Troubles anymore. She’s glad of that but it also makes everything so much more complicated. And now there’s William, and this person she supposedly once was. God, how she wishes she was just an orphan FBI agent who avoided attachments until arriving in Haven. She so wishes things were simpler. But they’re not, and they need to deal with them. Starting with where Nathan’s head is at right now. It’s a needed distraction from her own issues. They can delay dealing with hers, for now.  


“We’re here. Want me to come up?”  


Audrey can’t help her smile at the hesitation in Nathan’s voice. This, really being together, is new. She will allow him an adjustment period.  


“Yes. ” Her smile goes wider when Nathan responds with a small one of his own before leaving the Bronco to help her out. And then their hands are connected again and it just feels *right* and Audrey never wants him to let go.  


She’s lost track of who she is supposed to be to any random Havenite, so she assumes there are some odds looks thrown their way when Nathan walks her, hand clearly in hand, to her apartment. No more ‘just’ work partners, but partners in all aspects of their lives.  


When they get inside and have gotten rid of their jackets, Audrey guides Nathan to her couch, presses him down and straddles his lap while hugging him against her. Nathan reciprocates instantly. His arms envelope her and hold her to him so tightly yet gently. She’s never felt more at home. They sit like this, quietly, for minutes, just taking strength in each other. Then Audrey takes a deep breath that she lets out as a sigh and whispers in his ear;  


“You don’t have to die now.” Nathan tenses for a moment. Maybe it’s finally hitting him as the reality of the situation. “How do you feel about that?”


	2. Nathan PoV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nathan's thought post-William, especially regarding his death seeker arc.

Finding Audrey is a relief. He’d prefer she wasn’t unconscious on a field (again), but beggars can’t be choosers. Her reaction doesn’t sooth him though. There is a desperation in her touch that is not usually there. Audrey doesn’t like to cling. But he doesn’t mind being there for her, to give her whatever she needs.  
“Take me home.”  
“Of course.”  
They get up from the field after a moment, and they won’t let go of each other’s hands. He’s not sure which one of them is holding onto each other more. The day has been long and difficult. Audrey’s holding onto his hand as much as he is. It makes him worry, as much as he likes the feeling. When they reach the Bronco, he can tell she doesn’t want to let go of him. He strokes her cheek with his other hand for a moment, he wants to kiss her but instead whispers, “I’m right here,” and helps her into the Bronco before releasing her hand to go to the driver’s seat. Once he’s in the car, Audrey grabs his hand again to squeeze it a bit to let it go. He can’t help but worry about her actions.  
“You gonna be OK?”  
“Yeah. I know you need both hands to drive. I’ll be OK. Just get me home quickly.”  
He smiles slightly at her. He would love to keep holding her hand, now that he’s allowed to, but without tactile sensation, he needs to concentrate on driving. He wants to ask Audrey what she’s thinking about. Whatever happened with William clearly left her rattled. She also keeps looking at him very thoughtfully but he’s not sure why. It makes him feel slightly self-conscious. Seeing the Grey Gull up ahead, he hopes they can talk about it.  
“We’re here. Want me to come up?,” he hesitates slightly. It’s like he’s a teenager again. They are *together* now, but what does that really mean? They’re both people who require their personal spaces, should they delay this talk for later?  
“Yes.” He looks at Audrey, and he can tell she recognized his nervousness. She’s smiling widely, which makes him feel a lot better and give her a small one in response. They get out of the car, and as soon as they can, they’re holding hands again. He could get used to it. They go up the stairs to her apartment, and everyone can see the change in them. He likes that. It’s what he’s wanted for so long.  
When they get inside, Audrey guides him to her couch and pushes him down to sit on it. Nathan can’t help the smirk on his face. Audrey gives him one back. Soon she’s straddling his lap and hugs him to her. He’s not quite sure where Audrey’s head is at but he’s always ready to give her what she needs. He hugs her back. He hopes his touch isn’t too tight. It feels so good to just, *feel* each other for a moment, ignore the problems of the day and just hold each other. They stay like that for minutes, until Audrey takes a deep breath and sighs. She turns her head slightly so she can whisper in his ear, “You don’t have to die now”.  
The words make him tense. Nathan was hoping they wouldn’t deal with that. He still hasn’t quite shaken the image of Jennifer holding out a gun to him. “How do you feel about that?”

He holds on to her tighter and buries his head in her neck, taking a deep breath of her scent. He does not want to talk about this. He hasn’t thought about ‘what next?’ for months. He survived on instinct after the Barn imploded. When Duke found him again, he wasn’t thinking anything beyond finding Audrey and fixing things.  
His feelings towards Audrey’s ‘Lexie’ were complicated. She didn’t manage to complete hide herself under the bartender’s guise. Or maybe he is just destined to fall in love for any version of her. Finding out that ‘Lexie’ is Audrey, changed things only a little. He felt frustrated that Audrey wouldn’t even entertain the only way they knew of that would fix the Troubles. Her acting like Lexie didn’t help. It was like she wouldn’t let him love her or die for her and he didn’t see any other options. But getting to spent the night with her, getting to love her… For a few hours, he could ignore his duty, his mistakes. He could just love her.  
But that didn’t last. Vince reminded him of his promise, and everything that happened with Duke and the Driscolls… He couldn’t bear it anymore. He was willing and ready to give up his life to fix everything. Now he can’t.  
He can still hear imaginary!Jennifer’s voice. ‘You’re irrelevant’. He can’t pretend those words don’t hit him where he lives. But now that he knows his death won’t do anything, won’t fix anything, he needs to let go of that thought. There are still things he can do, things he should do. And now, he has Audrey. That helps a lot.  
He’s been quiet a long time. Audrey knows how he works, and he is grateful.  
“I’ll manage, eventually.”  
“Do you wanna talk about it?”  
“Not now. Do you wanna talk about what happened today? With William?”  
Audrey falls back in Nathan’s arms in order to make eye contact with him.  
“Later.” She puts one hand on the back of his head and brings his lips to her in a kiss. Nathan smiles into the kiss and buries his hand into her hair. He knows they’re only delaying discussions they absolutely need to have. And they will. But it’s nice to just relax for a bit. Just enjoy each other.  
After they break off the kiss, he lets slip, “I wanna take you away somewhere”. He’s wanted to take her there before everything with the Hunter made everything so complicated.  
“Nathan…”  
“Dad had a cabin near here. We could stay there for a night. Leave tomorrow morning, stay the night, come back. Haven won’t fall in a day. We deserve a break. There we can talk and… do other things.” He blushes a little at that. He’s so unused to this relationship stuff.  
Audrey looks contemplating and bites her lower lip for a bit. He still doesn’t know what she learned today that has made her so worried. But he won’t push her. She’ll tell him when she’s ready. Then she smiles at him and it makes Nathan feel like everything will eventually work out.  
“OK. Let’s tell Dwight, and do this.” They make out for a bit afterwards.  
“OK. Pack something, I’ll call Dwight and we’ll spent the night at my place. It will be easier to leave from there.”  
“I’ll get to actually spent time at the Wuornos residence? Gasps, you should have just told me that would be a perk,” Audrey laughs and Nathan can’t help but laugh with her. He loves her so much.  
“I love you.”  
“I love you, too.”  
Being able to say it, to hear it, it almost makes all the pain worth it. After a short regrouping, they're going to figure things out and fix things. He needs to trust that they can find another way. But now, for the first time in such a long time, he has hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Could be thought to be a prequel of sorts to the chapter 1 of my fic Captain America Nightlight. http://archiveofourown.org/works/9092224/chapters/20670577


	3. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts at Garland Wuornos' cabin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got inspired to write an epilogue.

Nathan has lost track of the time. That doesn't happen often for him, but getting to just *be* with Audrey, no deadlines, no work, just the two of them in his Dad’s cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere, getting to just enjoy themselves and their togetherness, time got away from them. Right now, they are lying in bed, just relaxing, squeezed together on the bed, Nathan on his side by the wall, Audrey on her back, that is not really meant for two people, but they manage just fine. Personal space isn't an issue. They're taking a break, gathering their strength for the next round. Being together, for once being able to just let go and just be with each other, it's exactly what they have needed for so long.  


For Nathan, not knowing where he begins and Audrey ends is a little bit more literal than for most people. Every part of himself that he feels, he feels because of her. He doesn't have to move much to affect her. He strokes her belly, mostly because that's where his hand was and Audrey turns in his arms to look at him. Their noses almost touch.  
"You should be getting some sleep now. We still have lots of enjoying to do later," Audrey quips, giving him a smirk that tells him exactly what he has to look forward to after their nap break.  


Nathan smiles. He rubs his nose lightly with Audrey's. She is very right. He can feel the tired aches in his body, because of her (in both senses of the word). And there is no way he is done with making love to Audrey today. But he just had a realization that he needs to share with her. Having the time to actually deal with things for once, as well as all the memories of this place, helped him figure something out.  
"Soon," he promises in a gentle whisper and kisses the tip of her nose. "You wanted to know how I feel about... the way things stand now. With me...not dying... to fix things that way."  


Now, Audrey props herself up on her elbow, ready to listen.  
He takes a breath, prepares himself. He strokes her hair, takes her in. He can't help smiling slightly. He gets to be with her. But he needs to shelf that thought for now. He needs to talk about this.  


"Dad raised... he practically trained me to survive. Survive loss, heartbreak, with my Trouble... do whatever it takes to survive until the end of the each cycle. I don't know what he expected or wanted for me afterwards, but... maybe he wanted me to have a family, but whatever it was, he... didn’t really train me for, after. I can do surviving. I've done it for so long. I think that was one of those things that made us connect, in the beginning. Living until it's time for me to not to was... it shouldn't have been that easy. But guilt and duty really are something that can help you keep going. But now...To be honest, I'm not sure what to do when I don't have to just survive. Now that I can live. With guilt, but still."  


Audrey strokes his cheek. His cheek feels wet. Did he cry? She kisses his cheek, gathers some of the tears. She strokes his hair and gives him an understanding smile.  
"I'm living beyond my expiration point too. I guess we could try to learn this together. This whole 'living' thing."  


He wants to practice it right now. He settles on top of her, kisses her gently. They make love, connect with each other physically, after the emotional connection. They are both still tired, so afterwards they both finally get their naps, in each other’s arms. It's difficult, but they are going to figure this thing out, together.


End file.
